If God had not put the hedge up around me, and all of the people above had not kept leading me up one step to the next, and to the next, I don’t know what I would have done after college. But the summer job and the teachers’ faith in me convinced me that I was qualified to seek computer programming positions. Which I did. I even got to program accounting applications, which worked out well since I had a degree in business. At the time it was really hard for an employer to find someone who was good at both understanding accounting and being able to also handle the computer side of it. But I was in my glory because I excelled at both. I was a programmer and then a systems analyst.

I didn’t do too bad for a stupid person. I eagerly anticipated every opportunity to train people above their current skill levels -- so they could do things no one thought they could do. People could tell by the look on my face when I was deep in thought, with the wheels turning, and I was about to come up with another brilliant idea. The general manager brought problems to me that no one in the department thought could ever be solved. I would ponder a moment and then provide the answer. One time he said, "No matter what we throw at you, you don't even flinch. You just do it." My boss (the VP of IT) said that once I set my mind to it, there wasn't anything in the company I could not do.

Until the mad scientist doctor started giving me unnecessary drugs. I took heart medicine, which causes depression, for several years for a heart murmur I did not have. And he was very liberal with corticosteroids that I did not need. I think his medical "care" is largely responsible for me “coming down” with glaucoma and osteoporosis. Yes, these things do run in the family, but only when they were older. I was diagnosed with advanced glaucoma when I was in my early thirties. So all these drugs and more conflicts at church and conditions in general brought on another great depression and I couldn’t work for a couple years. Then I got another job. And another great depression. I had my first bipolar episode when I started Zoloft, then I got married for five years. I almost forgot to put it in my bio. I must have slept through it. But I'm awake now!

I always worried about starting relationships because I was afraid someone would move away or go to different situations (church, school, job, etc.) and then they wouldn't be there anymore. And a lot of times when you lose a relationship with one person, you also lose the other people that person knows. Like when you get a divorce and don't see your ex's family anymore. If family is important to you, and you become part of your spouse's family, you lose your spouse and her family at the same time.

Actually, I didn't want to get into other peoples' stories. It is one thing for me to spill my guts about myself, but I feel like I am invading someone else's privacy if I talk about them. I tend to be very protective. I feel like I am betraying them by telling secrets. But after my ex-wife left me she said she wished we had just lived together for a couple months and gone our own separate ways. I guess that was as long as it took for her to get what she wanted out of me. I built HER confidence and then she didn't need me anymore. In more recent years, I was engaged for several months. This relationship turned out to be healthier and much more mutually supportive. But she lives a distance from me and I cancelled the engagement when it didn't seem like either one of us was going to move. She is a well-loved kindergarten teacher and we both enjoy coloring and doing silly things. (Remember I said I like working with colors.) She is a serious prayer warrior and a fine Christian woman. We both like to write children's stories. We love dogs, and favor them in our stories.


Backtracking, I did well for awhile after college. I got a good job. And I did return to church. But I was not yet effective because I could not surrender to God’s leadership. Instead, I was looking for the perfect church to be a model for me. Actually, I wanted God to prove to me that a functional church actually existed. Once I believed that, and had proof, I would be free to continue my quest. But that was putting the cart before the horse. God wasn’t going to prove it to me. I had to believe it could exist and wait for God to reveal it to me. If my quest were to try to fix something, it was kind of backward for me to expect God to show me the actual finished product and then I would work toward that goal after the fact.

God shows you the end product in your heart and places a burden, a drive, a passion in your spirit to draw you to a place no one else can know. And if you have faith, the goal is already accomplished even before others can see the results. So I had to believe the goal was possible and work toward it, even when no one else knew where I was headed with it.

Or maybe I wanted the perfect church for my own needs, not necessarily as a place to serve. Ironic how sometimes the secular world seems more interested in your welfare than your religious family does. In my early thirties, I finally got desperate enough that I had another big talk with God. (Yes, there were lots of little talks between the last big talk and this one.) I told Him I realized that I would never be happy and would never find any peace. So there was no reason for me to wait any longer to start living. No reason to wait for something that wasn’t coming. I told God that I was willing to go ahead and do whatever He wanted me to do now while I was waiting for some nothing not to happen. So I placed my life in God’s hands, for Him to do with me as He willed.

That was all it took.

People started coming to me and asking me to do things in the church. Important things. They were coming to me. I did not have to seek them out. They came to me and offered me opportunities. That is when I started writing many of the articles found at my site named His Love Shines. And then I began teaching prayer classes. And less visible things. There were some skirmishes over what kind of classes the church should offer. But the people who offered me the opportunities fought off the opposition and I just did what was asked of me. I had limited space available to me when writing articles for the newsletters. I had less than 80 charaters by 43 lines. Thank you for giving me wide open spaces!

I remember one evening when I went to a restaurant with a group of women after an evening Bible study. (Of course I was the youngest there.) They had quite a discussion of things going on in their lives. I wasn't talking much, mainly observing. But every now and then someone would stop and ask me if I had anything to say because they knew I couldn't get a word in edgewise (in their words). Before we left the restaurant, they asked me what I thought of it all. I basically summed everyone's lives up and told them what they thought would be the secrets to their happiness. Yes, I had some insight. But quite often when you try to help someone, you don't have to worry about reading his mind or having all the answers. They usually know what they want. You will figure it out if you listen closely enough.

Then one day a woman (in her mid 60's) said to me, “Who would have ever thought that such a young person as you (me) would be teaching the older people." That I was the spiritual leader of the church. The irony of the situation is that one of the elders asked me to be included in the people who would be voted on for elders. He later came back to me and apologized that the Chairman of the Elders would not allow me to be on the ballot because I did not meet the requirements of the church constitution. I was a year too young, and was a few months short on how long I had to be a member of that particular congregation. Although I had been active there longer than that, I hadn't transferred my membership in time. However, there was a certain number of elders the constitution said we should have. If I were on the ballot I would have been voted in because very few people wanted to be an elder. Only half the elder positions were filled. It seemed so bizarre that people would say all these other nice things about me. But they wouldn't let me be an elder.

It hurt deeply. But I had other things to do. The articles that I wrote for the church newsletter were used by many as daily devotions. They have been used as materials for newsletters of other churches, in Sunday School lessons, sermons, and the front page of the religion section on a secular website in Europe. Things that I have written have even saved lives.


I think fitness is important. I wasn’t concerned about it most of my life, but I gained 50 pounds when I went on antidepressants. As anyone in that situation would, I had to lose the weight due to major health consequences. I worked with a personal trainer at a health center. He turned out to be more than just an instructor and was also an important source of support. His encouragement and the satisfaction I received from reaching goals were great for my self-esteem. I was exercising six days a week. Two days a week strength training with him and four days a week at home on the treadmill. But with everything going on in my life, the arrangements for gym workouts with him eventually became too complicated. I bought some weights and a bench and he set up routines for me to do at home.

Fitness is important for general physical health, and even mental health. Exercising two or three times a week may meet the recommendations of many health programs for physical benefits. But I have found that almost daily exercise, with a day off each week, is best if you are depressed or have bipolar disorder. This provides more consistency and more stable support if the exercise helps regulate your chemicals. It is easier for me to do something every day as a habit in my schedule than to decide each day if I have to do something extra. I have been slowed down by a knee injury and feet problems, but I am still doing as much as possible.


So in my eventual rejuvenation and return, what did I get to fix, and what did I have to tear down? A lot of that centers around spiritual gifts. Let me lead into this with a conversation I had with Dave.

I made these comments in an email to my great friend Dave.
I never worry if I say too much to you about how great I am. ;) Sometimes I figure it's ok because it might be an encouragement to you to see the impossible happening. (giving God credit) But more so because when we met at the forums, I had never met anyone so well versed in so many areas as you. (including spiritual) Something (because I can hear the music) told me you were safe, and you would serve well as a mentor and a friend. So I prayed we wouldn't lose contact with each other as I faded from the forums scene. And we didn’t. I can do a lot of things well, that not many people can do. But you do a lot of things well that I can't do, or I can't understand. So I never worry if I say too much to you about how great I am, because of how great you are.”

God has a way of evening things out, where working within the Body of Christ is concerned. (1 Corinthians 12:14-27 All Scripture is the NIV version, unless otherwise noted.) Evening can mean to free from what is harsh or disagreeable, as well as to treat all equally. When Dave and I are talking to each other, greatness means being very efficient or effective in some activity. Otherwise, greatness usually means we have had the perseverance to carry something through, especially if it was very difficult over a period of time.

Dave said this about me, "It is not the height of great successes that marks your victory, it is the fact that you get back up each time." So one measure of success for me is the distance between low and high that I crawled through. If I tell someone how great I am, it is a statement of my power (that I think I have). But if I admit how low I was, it becomes a testimony to God's power because He is responsible for the transformation. That is why I become more comfortable with talking about my past -- because it is a testimony to God's greatness and mercy. The same thing goes for what I have gone through in my life: abuse as a child, physical health problems, having bipolar disorder, and seemly endless situational crises. As stated above, the true measure of success is seeing the degree of movement from such a low place to such a high place. At my higher place, I see things differently.

I have been granted greater freedom to talk about my weakness (or afflictions) because I am released from the need to use my afflictions to get sympathy. I am not looking for selfish gain, so I can see their needs instead of being owned by my twisted mind. That goes along with what I once said -- you can say anything you want about yourself (sorta) that is topic appropriate as long as you are ready to move on to the next subject, rather than holding onto yourself as the object of concern. In other words, your words are sincere and genuine, not motivated for your gain at the expense of others.

I have also been granted greater freedom to talk about my strengths (outstanding qualities or abilities) because I am released from the need to share my strengths to prove I am not garbage no one would want around them. To overcome my insecurity that they might not like me, but at least they might find a way to use me.


One has to build himself up and eliminate self-doubt as much as possible. You still have to take chances that may end in failure. (Someone has told me that a lot.) But, especially with spiritual gifts, you have to be willing to be imperfect. If you hold back too much or too long, you will never receive confirmation from other Christians whether your gift has truly been imparted, or if it is just your imagination. (Or they may see another gift you failed to recognize -- most Christians don't even know what the gifts are!) You need to eliminate self-doubt, because that is one of Satan's favorite places to start clawing at.

You have to build yourself up, and others too, climbing the mountain. (You aren't climbing to put yourself up on a pedestal.) When you get to the top, you are in a great position. On your way to the top, you review your life and beliefs, comparing your life events and ideas to Scripture. You are building self-confidence (and building faith in God) that God has worked in your life before, and will continue to do so again. The frustrating part is having the patience (and faith) to see how He will want to use you now and on down the line. And then the fortitude to follow through with it. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1)

I guess the idea is to always keep your eyes on the Lord or you will get sidetracked. “Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2)


If God calls me to a task, and I am excellent, no one would feel I am lording it over them. I am building self-esteem, but I am not being conceited. God has put me there as a resource. A resource must be outstanding (or somehow above the rest in a specific area), or it can't be a resource. For some spiritual gifts, you are working side-by-side with others. But for other gifts, you have to take a couple steps forward so others can follow your lead.

People come to me because God put me here as a resource. I am not here to prove myself better than them. I am here to better them, equipping them to be closer to God and to be a better servant of God. And I, as a humble leader, am here to serve THEM, to build THEM up. Not the other way around. So even if I claim to be great, I am not looking down on others. Since I am serving THEM, that actually raises those I serve above me. I need to be outstanding, but in a way to show God has sent me to them and they should trust and surrender to my help. I do use the word surrender as in surrendering to me from God's authority. But also in that they have to surrender to themselves and set aside things like their pride or fear of showing need to be helped.

When I was a teenager in the school choir, I had a big role, although unseen. The choir director told me this. I was the only person in the male parts who could read music. My voice was too soft for an audience to hear. But I hit the right notes and the other guys followed my lead. The audience couldn't hear me, but without my voice, the other voices would have been less than harmonious. In the school band, I played the alto saxophone and bass clarinet, but you COULD hear me there. And I took some piano and guitar lessons.



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